HYSTERIA RAMPANT AS BUFFADALE VIRUS CAUSES CHAOS

(AP NEWS, 9 March 2015)  The Center for Disease Control (CDC) Head Office in Atlanta, Georgia is moving swiftly to calm public fears after a potent strain of the virulent BuffaDale Virus was accidentally released through an accident at the heavily secured Deadly Virus Laboratory.

Officials are tightlipped about exact events leading up to the crisis.  However, sources close to the situation have spoken off record.  According to reliable eyewitnesses,  a secure specimen was knocked to the floor and released after a container broke when Zip and Cody Irwin of Wyoming were playing a game that they called BITEYFACE; the two then crashed into a number of scientific instruments and various apparatuses.  It is unknown at this time what the game is or what its significance is.  Some think that the two were sent by a terrierist group known for its energy and destructive nature.

Soon after the incident, reports came of strange developments.  A strange looking creature was spotted on the streets nearby the building.  An eyewitness took a photo of it, as seen below:

This is believed to be Zip Irwin soon after exposure to the virus.  

The virus apparently also spread quickly through social networks as well, defying conventional laws of science and physics.  One such infected individual is reported to be “Calvin th’Airedale” of Parma, Ohio, who uncharacteristically started marching around town streets shouting, “Elizabeth Warren for President!”  “No, Hillary’s my choice!”   “What the hell, whoever’s farthest to the left has my vote!  No, wait!  Wait!  What am I saying?!” and continually thwacked himself in the head with a prong collar, which he normally firmly opposes (using bananas to control his pets instead).

Galloping down Wall Street in New York City was this entity, who was apparently confused at news reports of it being a Bull Market year:

He kept saying, "Where is my solid gold Apple Watch?"

As more information develops, the Associated Press will report it.